Fear Replaced by Fear.

I am hoping to channal my inner Castro.

My love of rugby is returning to its previously extreme state, for two reasons. One I am really, really ready to play. I don’t think I can remember a time when I felt more confident and more ready than I do now. I have sat back; I have watched; I have commented; I have opinionated. All that has done is made me want to take my place on the field. For the first time in an awful long time, my nagging doubts have been lifted and my confidence restored. I don’t want to beat around the bush, this isn’t a confidence based on a belief I am the best player in the world. It is however based on a realistic belief I can counter any of the challenges I am likely to face at the level I am intending to play.

In fact all my previous fears have been blown away. My fear of my knee is replaced with a belief in its strength. My trepidation around the scrum has been replaced with a belief that I can hold my own. The biggest problem, my fear of contact in the loose and a real desire to avoid it, has been replaced with a real passion to smash someone in a tackle. I don’t care how they come, head on, from the side, through the ruck or round the gate. I just want to knock someone backwards. Only one fear has replaced all these others, it is a new feeling it is one of letting down the people I am playing with. I never really thought about it much in the past. I just went out and did what I could do. Now I want to do what is best for the people I am taking to the field with. I have watched quality performances this season. Real performances of pride, and watched all the teams develop enormously. It feels like a privilege to play with them so I am going to relish it. I am under no illusions that it won’t hurt and I will be struggling like never before with match fitness but I hope when the final whistle blows I will have contributed something positive to the people around me.

Losing Lessons.

Hurt

 Clive Woodward said, when you lose you go to the pub get drunk and forget about the game. Then you come back and examine it but try not to put too much emphasis on it. When you win he said, that was the time to break the game to pieces and see what it is you did right and what you did well.

Much as his record speaks for itself I am not sure I agree completely. I think from losses you find out how much heart and desire people have to go that extra mile to win. You don’t learn much from hammering teams week in week out. When you lose by a point here and there you can then ask the important questions. What did you do when you had the ball that was right, and what you did that was wrong. Mainly it comes down to two things at the level Chesham plays. Firstly decision making and the ability to see where the space or weakness is in the opposition. Then you need to find a method in which to take advantage of that weakness. Secondly, purely and simply it comes down to fitness. Many times I have played for Chesham and in the set parts of the game we have destroyed an opposition. However because they have had the fitness to keep going and to keep challenging us they have come out on top at the end of 80 minutes.

Many people might think I am over simplifying the game but it is a dead simple game; quick ball played into space, results in trys. To produce it for 80 minutes, you need to be fit or you need to be sensible and manage the game well. A combination of the two would be even better.

Losing a game in a league format this early in the season isn’t fatal. It gives you a chance to have another look at what you are doing during games. The key is people taking responsibility for their part in the failures. If it was because the team wasn’t fit enough, then if you want to win, get out to the gym and get fitter. Or go for a run and put the effort in. If it’s because of the decisions that the team made then ask yourself what you did when you had the ball and what you did when you didn’t. If you squandered a 3 on 1 overlap then you should learn the harsh lessons that go with that.

To win a rugby game you need to have 15 people who are better than the opposition 15, who make the right decisions when they have the ball, and reduce the opposition’s choices when they don’t. To win a league you need more than that. You need lots of people to be selfless, committed and above it all driven by a desire to put their all into it week in and week out for a long season. Losing helps to discover how much inner desire we have to be part of a winning team. It has many positive lessons and is essential for any team to develop. Don’t dwell on them, don’t replay them, just take from them the feelings you are not prepared to encounter the next time you tie your boots and step over the whitewash.

Another team, another photo.

Anther photo where the addtion of two cameras gives us a distant look. 

For the second week in a row, I ended up in a team photo. This time however I actually played for 40 minutes. I say played for 40 minutes, I actually probably achieved 20 mins of play. The rest was a futile search for any sort of fitness that would just enable me to ride out the remaining 20. I don’t think I have ever been as pumped up coming onto the field as I was on Saturday. My head was spinning with self doubt and fear and my legs were like jelly. I think, as a result, I had shot my bolt after 20 minutes. By then the adrenalin that had got me off out of the starting blocks was starting to subside. I was left with the realisation that no matter how hard you train nothing compares to that first game of rugby for making you realise what it takes to play the sport.


We were uncontested in the scrums on Saturday in the 3rd 15 and that was a bit of a shock. I didn’t actually tell anyone I was going to play. I thought in that way it would be a choice I could make if I wanted to play. That said as soon as I entered the changing room and taped up and got ready there was no doubt I would be playing if given the chance.

So what happened? Well I came on at half time fuelled by much red bull and fear and decided to get the ball as much as I could. Maybe too much for some of my teammates liking, but to be honest, for the first time in a game, I really needed to be selfish so I could test myself out. I wanted to take a tackle with the ball, I wanted to get hit at a ruck to make myself realise it wasn’t as bad as I thought. In fact like the old days it was good fun. So I made a few carries and hit a few rucks and generally got into the game and enjoyed myself. I even managed to put in a tackle which used all the techniques we had been learning at training pushing up on the inside shoulder of the attacker and coming forward dropping and hitting with the shoulder. Some people have suggested I didn’t wrap my arms around the guy. I will state for the record I did but he shot out of my arm so fast I couldn’t hold onto him. Anyway the ref saw nothing wrong with it so I don’t care. For me I had achieved the Holy Grail I had been looking for my whole rugby career, a really big hit on someone. I tell you what it felt so good I could have easily walked off the pitch there and then.

What of the newly formed 3rd 15? Well they are a work in progress, they have some great talented young players and with the right people in the right positions on Saturday I do think they would have won against Beaconsfield. Hopefully that will come because it is a great place to come back from an injury or a knock or like me to get some confidence under your belt. At the same time developing and introducing young guys into adult rugby.

The club gained a win for the first team in a tough game at the prison and the 2nd team smashed another team, and with a 3rd team out for the second week in a row, things are good. How long players in the seconds can keep smashing teams before they start taking first team spots is now the question. Competition for places at Chesham........who would have thought it!??

Vicarious Living.

1 day we will get a well posed photo.

This Saturday I had the joy of travelling away with a second team to our old foes Fullarians. Over the years we have received a few thumping’s at their hands, and on the odd occasion we have gained a victory they have complained about the ref, moaned about us cheating or just generally felt we never deserved it. Saturday, and I really want to make this emphatic, they got well and truly stuffed. The score line was 43 points to nil and in truth they were lucky it wasn’t 70+ points. Which it easily could have been, add in missed conversions and 3 disallowed trys. The score line does not really go far enough in giving the full effect of the dominance those witnessing this game can attest to.


I am going to put my hands up now and say I really didn’t see a victory of this quality, coming from the team that stood in front of me during the warm up. Please accept my apologies for that statement. They all looked a little bit delicate with the exception of our behemoth front row that I can only be grateful I have never had to face. They looked like they would be bullied around the field a bit. How wrong I was, if anything in the end I actually thought our team were going to take the dinner money off their opposite numbers, considering the nature of their dominant performance.

Not only did the team dominate in the forwards, the backs were simply outstanding. The ten pulled forward defenders and sent his inside centre into acres of space. When there wasn’t acres of space the inside centre created it with footwork that Kevin Bacon would be proud of. At one point I thought he was going to go over the line, then come back and do it again, just for shits and giggles before touching down. The key thing is though not just the attacking flair. Defensively their attitude caused the Fullarians attack so many problems they could find no way out of their half. When they did it was with a badly aimed kick that would then fall to another Chesham player who would continue the dance of death on any hopes Fullarians had of scoring points.

I don’t know who coached these young lads through their Chesham careers but whoever it was deserves an awful lot of thanks. They have created a group of lads for whom the sky is the limit. For now I am going to put this performance down to one simple thing..............the warm up............No in all honesty it was a joy to watch. I would happily fill the role of water boy to watch performances like that every week. In fact vicarious living has it's benifits, no sweating or neck ache! The question is can this standard of performance continue? Well winning builds confidence and on this performance this is going to be present in abundance next time around so watch this space.

Buzzing.

How I feel following shuttle runs.  

The reality of the opportunities facing the men’s playing section and the club as a whole hit me last night like the pain in my hamstring. Sharply and with a bang.


Having had various discussions with people, it is clear there is an incredible buzz about the club at the moment. Coupled with a real desire to put into action the things we are looking at on a Tuesday and a Thursday. In no way is this meant to disrespect the people who have gone before, and probably they have been effected as much by timing as anything. However the challenges being set down by the coaching that is currently being promoted are something I have never had to face.

Up until last night my ideas as a forward in the back line were to stand behind the ten and shout “inside ball!” or finding myself on the wing as a result of being to unfit to get from the previous phase of play that found me there in the first place. Now we are looking at people being able to perform rangies, slices and diamonds. I am sure these are very basic moves in the rugby world but for me last night it was like I was trying to perform a mathematical equation using the my feet. The fact that now, it’s not just backs but also forwards in the back line, which are being asked to perform these moves. This in turn means should they find themselves in the position to fulfil one of these roles; they can do so with confidence.

I won’t lie, for me these moves were incredibly difficult to get to grips with but I am sure we will, in time, get them right. This goes back to what I have said previously in other blogs, success and failure come down to one simple thing, hard work. You can be an ordinary player and perform if you are willing to put the effort in, and you can be a great player and consistently fail to achieve if you fail to put the required effort in. There is nothing in life that can’t be taught and honed by even the most ordinary player if they are willing to commit themselves to that task.

The most exciting thing for me now is with the clubs new set up is that this commitment is coming through. At the end of the last two sessions we have taken part in shuttle runs, I know personally I would probably have found an excuse not to perform these or maybe even given up half way. Now however no one gives up, they all put in the effort and it is a joy to be part of.......did I just say that about shuttle runs!?

I have for many years had a love hate relationship with Chesham Rugby Club. It has bought me some of the best moments in my life and at some points left me at my lowest. For now I don’t know when I will be back on the field but just being part of these moments we are going through makes me realise how much I love it.

Memories.

Legend

This week, as I struggle more and more with the required confidence to play rugby; I was thinking back over games I had played in and what they had meant to me. I think it was put into perspective by the fact I was kindly invited to the Wasps season launch dinner last night by my boss, but due to my commitment to training (I gave up after 40 mins). I decided not to go. It turns out I missed a chance to be at a table shared with Phil Vickery the Wasps and England prop. The fact that this is a man who has played a key part in some of the best days I have ever had in my life. My most amazing shared rugby experiences as a fan have involved this man. No he wasn’t there when I had sex, but in rugby terms, as a tight head prop, he was ever present. To me he was an example of what I wanted to emulate. World cup finals, Lions tours, premierships. He has been there and achieved at the highest level. Yet I wonder how you put the careers of someone who has achieved so much into perspective alongside my own playing career.

Leg-end

Where he has the World Cup final of 2003 and a winner’s medal; I have a victory over Old Verulamian’s third team at home in the league. Where he has his runners up medal in the 2007 World Cup Final; I tasted bitter defeat at a merit league plate final we had received a bye to get into. Where he has Lions tours to New Zealand, South Africa and Australia; I have Breda in Holland, Prague and the infamous Leret De Mar. Now joking aside the achievements, or lack of them, are incomparable none of it makes them any less memorable.

If we take the first game I listed, this sits as a game for me that I will always remember. Not just for the game itself but the away fixture which preceded it. It was at the start of this season and I became captain of the second team and my first game was against Old Verulamian’s. I was nervous of fulfilling the new role of a captain and as the game started off the opposition scored straight away. This continued for the whole of the first half. It was an absolute rampage and as the half time whistle blew, we had already conceded half a century of points. I don’t think I have ever been so upset, I knew we were better than that and I think I told people that. I may have even thrown a few swear words into the mix too. In the second half we didn’t concede another point and even scored two trys. I think for me this was more upsetting than losing by 100 points. Yet it wasn’t that, that spikes this game in my memory; it was the actions of the opposition flanker. I picked up a loose ball and as I passed it away he hit me with a really good tackle. As I got up he shoved his hand in my face and sneered “why did you come here, you lot are shit” That stung more than any score line or any tackle. Those words rang in my ears at the final whistle and I am not afraid to admit it, the whole thing bought me to tears in the shower. My first game as captain was a heavy loss and I found myself saying “why did we go there, we were undoubtedly shit”.

When they returned to our club at the end of the season we had put together a very good team and some very good players. We were mixed with experience and exuberance and I also like to think motivation. I don’t remember any words I say before a game I try to say what I feel from the heart and hope people trust my honesty but this game is different, I related the story of what had happened at the end of that game, I told the players how it made me feel and I just said “we do not lose this game today, whatever it takes” The next 80 mins are a blur for me. I have never played in a side so motivated, so driven to do well. Every player that day put in their best performance. There were players who were always on the periphery, who played fundamentally important parts in that game and scored trys. Hell I even scored my first ever one. It wasn’t the try I remember most though it was towards the end of the game when we were camped on our line and they were pushing and pushing for the winning score when we got possession of the ball and our centre kicked it as hard as he could and the ball travelled in the air passed halfway and nearly into the opposition 22. That was the moment that broke them, that was the moment we knew it was our day. It had been a long time coming.

There were no trophies at the end of it, no bus ride through London or tea with the queen, it was just a sweet moment which is a memory I will treasure for a long, long time. It was my world cup final moment.

Frustraitions.

I have just come home from the rugby club event of the year which was the first Chesham Sports Festival. As an event it was very well executed. It seemed to me that all the people who were involved in it enjoyed it and the range of sports on show benefited the rugby club in building some partnerships. There are some aspects that I am sure the organisers would change but all of them minor and just with regards to space available. I don’t think it can be denied that this 1st outing was a great success.


This leads to the reality of small clubs and raising their profiles and the work involved. At this event we managed to attract a Sky sports team and the England Women’s Legend Maggie Alphonsi. Now to put that into perspective it is a bit like getting Lawrence Dallaglio to attend a week after the England team played a world cup final. The major disappointment was the lack of women at the event. If I had the chance to meet one of rugby’s real heroes, I don’t think there is much aside from family weddings or funerals that would have kept me away. For a club like Chesham whose women’s team face major hurdles this year to even field a side this was without doubt a major disappointment. I did get a chance to speak to Maggie (I can call her that now) about the situation in the women’s game and she was actually quite candid in her view which was that the women’s game faces some huge hurdles. Like anything at the lowest levels of sport. To even get the basics right involves a lot of sacrifices and usually from the same very few people.

To put on an event like the Sports festival involves an incredible amount of work, this work is usually carried out by the same people, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. Before a ball is kicked each season the club needs to find somewhere in the region of £20,000. That’s probably a conservative estimate. As someone that has fulfilled a couple of these minor rolls behind the scenes, as a second team captain and a coach of the women’s section. Involving yourself in the committee is a bit like being the first man over the top during the First World War. Chances are you are going to end up dead and the people behind you will be running right over your corpse. You won’t get any thanks and 95% of the people who you commit your time too will either not have a clue what is involved or simply won’t care. They will have no qualms about complaining about what is wrong but will put very little effort into helping put it right. This is the dilemma facing small clubs. When do you say enough is enough? If you have a team and more than 50% of its players don’t care if it fails, do you say at some point we can’t do any more? If you provide that team with an international standard coach and match day assistance and still many of its players and members don’t feel they want to be involved. You have to make some tough decisions based on what more you can do.

I said earlier in the piece rugby clubs and teams survive because of a handful of people who are willing to make huge personal sacrifice. To just simply keep things ticking over is an effort; more than that, it is relentless and time consuming. In life as well as sport there are those who do and those who don’t. This is thanks to those who do.